Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.
It was wrong. It was definitely wrong. It is always wrong. If you coerce someone into giving consent, it’s not consent. If you wear someone down, if you bug them, if you emotionally blackmail them (“I’ll leave you if you don’t do this.” “I’ll be so upset if you don’t.” “If you really loved me/liked me/where attracted to me you would…”) it’s not consent.
No is the beginning and end of a sentence. No is not the start of a negotiation. If someone says “no” or “I don’t feel like it” or “not now” or “I’m not in the mood” or “fuck you leave me alone” that’s it. That’s the end. Anything past that is sexual assault.
I want you to listen to me very, very closely. What you have described is rape. Do not ever, EVER, do that to anyone else ever again. When you get any form of “no” you fucking stop. The end. No ifs, ands or butts. You’re done.
Your fucking boner is not more important than her ability to give free and enthusiastic consent. If you need to get off that bad go handle your shit yourself. Alone. Away from anyone else.
I don’t know how your girlfriend feels about what happened. A lot of women, especially young women, are conditioned to believe that if they eventually give in it was consent. She may not feel victimized. I hope for her sake (and yours) she doesn’t.
But I can tell you that there is a part of her that probably doesn’t think super highly of you, and may not view you as a safe person anymore, for not respecting her ability to say no. And more over I seriously doubt someone who told you no and who was then brow beaten into “consenting” (notice the quotes, not real consent.) probably did not enjoy herself.
At the very least she deserves an apology and a promise that you will never, ever do that again. And then you fucking don’t. And you talk to your friends about what consent means. If you want to be a good person you are now an ambassador for what consent means. You are now an emissary into the world of pushy, whiny boys who think their erection means more than their partners personal boundaries, body autonomy or pleasure.
You scream it from the roof tops. ONLY YES MEANS YES. ANYTHING ELSE IS COERCIVE, ABUSIVE AND RAPEY.